After all...

After all the time and efforts, all the hopes and motivation, nothing is left.

Yeah, I've finally see clearly the reason why. I think exit is the only way for me.

Unexpected heartbreaks

I didn't know break ups are so hard to handle and emotions are so tough to deal with.

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Tired

Been having this migraine since afternoon and after popping panadol, it only gets better but I'm still feeling it.

Feeling totally moodless to do anything at all and I wonder what's gonna happen to my business which I've just started. Fml like seriously! Why do this to me? Why always me?

There's so much I wanna say but I can't find any words to. I just hate my life! My whole bloody life is nth but trash!

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2 years

It's been about 2 years I left my blog empty. So much have happened, I don't know where to start off. Hmm...alright, shall start off with my 2 little darlings niece. They are big girls alrdy, cute and sweet. Looking at their picture, how time really flies. I am still who I am...

I left my desk bound job and went into industrial sales, fulfilled my dream of having my own car and I have wonderful colleagues, superior and boss but I didn't stay on for long. I can't bear to leave my sales job but I thought I should carve my own career doing own business. Yeah, I went into the most hot business now - online blogshop. Indeed not easy like what seems to be, nevertheless I enjoy every bit of it.

I'm gonna be 姨姨 again this November, my 2nd cuzzie got married last Nov and is preggie now. Not sure of the gender but maybe it's a boy. We'll find out this Tues. :)

My most beloved grandma left us last October, and I still miss her dearly.

Oh ya, my cousin of same age got engaged this year Feb and will be having their wedding next year in October. Can't wait! :)

So many events happened in the past 2 years. My best friend of 13 years got married after my cuzzie's ROM and is preggie now too. Seriously can't imagine I am really ageing. LOL.

It hasn't really been easy for me though (hahaha) seeing them all get hitched and moving forward with another stage of their life becoming a mother soon. But of course I am really happy for all of them!

I thought I'd be able to blog about my own happy life like all of the above, but I am lost for words. I share a different fate with them I guess, cos the path I've chosen is totally different. Happy thing to mention is I am finally one step nearer, having the chance to stay with my bf and the kids, but there again marks a different set of problems I have been facing.

Just when I thought that things are falling in place, I have other problems sneaking in. Sometimes I wonder, why can't I have a peaceful life. I didn't wanna marry rich or live in expensive estate/house, but why it seems to me that what I ever wanted is so so hard to attain? Why do I have to be in the position of getting fooled with things that will hurt me eventually and is something which I hate?

Since young, I wasn't the one being loved by everyone (in my own family). On the contrary, I was being treated unfairly, being verbally and physically abuse for trivial things any other kids of my age will do. Sometimes, it wasn't even my fault. Probably the only fault I have is my gender. I was never their priority, maybe the only one who bothers about me is my mom that's all.

Growing up in such unhealthy environment builds my character now and the perception in life and things. I am never an optimist. I never liked my childhood except the time spent in my grandma's place where I get to see my grandma, play with my cousins and my grandpa will bring us to the playground full of sand and swings - that's my happiest times.

As for now, how did I land myself in such a situation when I know I won't be his priority too. Why am I subjecting myself in this again? I always thought to myself, I can do it but truth is I will never be his priority hence all the deceiving, all the dishonesty. Despite all the constant reminder that we have different priorities but when comes to a day when certain decision has to be made, it is always very clear who has the upper hand. I am so tired of being lied to over the same thing, worst of all, lies after lies.

I am such a failure.

Sometimes I wonder, maybe all along the problem lies in me. I never succeed in what I set my heart and soul on. I'm always the one being put into a situation "to continue, I've to accept it and start all over to trust again OR I let go of everything I have build for the past 3 yrs, all the f-ing hardwork/effort I put in and be single again" voila! It's always the trust issues I have to face all over again. In my past r/s, it's always the trust issues that got me so paranoid and I thought I can leave that f-ing past and start anew by being all honest but I forgotten, it takes 2 hands to clap.

I am such a loser.