After all...

After all the time and efforts, all the hopes and motivation, nothing is left.

Yeah, I've finally see clearly the reason why. I think exit is the only way for me.

Unexpected heartbreaks

I didn't know break ups are so hard to handle and emotions are so tough to deal with.

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Tired

Been having this migraine since afternoon and after popping panadol, it only gets better but I'm still feeling it.

Feeling totally moodless to do anything at all and I wonder what's gonna happen to my business which I've just started. Fml like seriously! Why do this to me? Why always me?

There's so much I wanna say but I can't find any words to. I just hate my life! My whole bloody life is nth but trash!

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2 years

It's been about 2 years I left my blog empty. So much have happened, I don't know where to start off. Hmm...alright, shall start off with my 2 little darlings niece. They are big girls alrdy, cute and sweet. Looking at their picture, how time really flies. I am still who I am...

I left my desk bound job and went into industrial sales, fulfilled my dream of having my own car and I have wonderful colleagues, superior and boss but I didn't stay on for long. I can't bear to leave my sales job but I thought I should carve my own career doing own business. Yeah, I went into the most hot business now - online blogshop. Indeed not easy like what seems to be, nevertheless I enjoy every bit of it.

I'm gonna be 姨姨 again this November, my 2nd cuzzie got married last Nov and is preggie now. Not sure of the gender but maybe it's a boy. We'll find out this Tues. :)

My most beloved grandma left us last October, and I still miss her dearly.

Oh ya, my cousin of same age got engaged this year Feb and will be having their wedding next year in October. Can't wait! :)

So many events happened in the past 2 years. My best friend of 13 years got married after my cuzzie's ROM and is preggie now too. Seriously can't imagine I am really ageing. LOL.

It hasn't really been easy for me though (hahaha) seeing them all get hitched and moving forward with another stage of their life becoming a mother soon. But of course I am really happy for all of them!

I thought I'd be able to blog about my own happy life like all of the above, but I am lost for words. I share a different fate with them I guess, cos the path I've chosen is totally different. Happy thing to mention is I am finally one step nearer, having the chance to stay with my bf and the kids, but there again marks a different set of problems I have been facing.

Just when I thought that things are falling in place, I have other problems sneaking in. Sometimes I wonder, why can't I have a peaceful life. I didn't wanna marry rich or live in expensive estate/house, but why it seems to me that what I ever wanted is so so hard to attain? Why do I have to be in the position of getting fooled with things that will hurt me eventually and is something which I hate?

Since young, I wasn't the one being loved by everyone (in my own family). On the contrary, I was being treated unfairly, being verbally and physically abuse for trivial things any other kids of my age will do. Sometimes, it wasn't even my fault. Probably the only fault I have is my gender. I was never their priority, maybe the only one who bothers about me is my mom that's all.

Growing up in such unhealthy environment builds my character now and the perception in life and things. I am never an optimist. I never liked my childhood except the time spent in my grandma's place where I get to see my grandma, play with my cousins and my grandpa will bring us to the playground full of sand and swings - that's my happiest times.

As for now, how did I land myself in such a situation when I know I won't be his priority too. Why am I subjecting myself in this again? I always thought to myself, I can do it but truth is I will never be his priority hence all the deceiving, all the dishonesty. Despite all the constant reminder that we have different priorities but when comes to a day when certain decision has to be made, it is always very clear who has the upper hand. I am so tired of being lied to over the same thing, worst of all, lies after lies.

I am such a failure.

Sometimes I wonder, maybe all along the problem lies in me. I never succeed in what I set my heart and soul on. I'm always the one being put into a situation "to continue, I've to accept it and start all over to trust again OR I let go of everything I have build for the past 3 yrs, all the f-ing hardwork/effort I put in and be single again" voila! It's always the trust issues I have to face all over again. In my past r/s, it's always the trust issues that got me so paranoid and I thought I can leave that f-ing past and start anew by being all honest but I forgotten, it takes 2 hands to clap.

I am such a loser.

What a Saturday afternoon...

I'm so bored on a Saturday like this. I seriously dont like this kind of feeling at all, dont know what should I do later?

12th August 2010

HAPPY 24TH TO ME! :)

My Vacation

Taking a break, hoping that I will feel much better after resting and away from work & the ppl there but I don't feel good. It must be that reason, which takes me forever to comprehend.

Of all times, it just strike at the wrong time. It affected me a great deal, like never before. Maybe it happened before, but I thought that nightmare is already over.

I felt so helpless. The feeling is back, it's been a long time since I last felt like this.

It suck.

My 24th..

Thanks all for making it happen :)

Why do i feel it?

I am so moodless...

I feel like giving up...

It's FINALLY August! I still have like 5 more mths to "change away my current job" day.

I tried recalling how I used to work here with all the drive and heart but it seems to change drastically after those mindsets and disputes over who is handling which account(s). All the statement made and all the perceptions build inside one's mind, I dont know how long more can I take to endure these ppl.

Not saying that I'm super great now and I'm super capable that's why I made such negative comments BUT it is really what's happening this yr. I can say, this yr isnt a good and smooth yr for me. I am not sure about the rest of the "tigers" but I just feel, it's seriously not easy working ppl. I didnt really go think about it when I just started work, probably bcos I've always been in a small firm and not exposed to work with ppl whom are older than me.

I just find it hard to accept in the very 1st place, why these ppl always like to make things difficult and so hard to work with? I guess, this is human management. It's fucking tough, esp. working with ppl whom they think they are bosses themselves (think so highly & impt. of themselves), not willing to help the juniors and seriously no brain (no logical sense). Not bcos I am very good myself that's why I criticize them but to be frank, this is the culture here.

If I am a contented and everyday just do my work kind of person, I probably can survive over here (just like my colleague Shina). Unfortunately, I am not. I expect a lot more from here, the things I do, the progress and most importantly the prospect or opportunity over here. I dont wanna waste 2 yrs here and still a junior learning paperwork, purchasing, liaising etc. It's waste of time to me.

I guess, I finally came to realise one thing - trust no one except for yourself. Maybe I am naive and still thought that in this world there will be ppl who is sincere and willing to teach you, guide you or give you the opportunity. Yes there are, but limited (limited as in they will only do that to a certain extend).

人不为己，天诛地灭。

Superiors choose the ppl they want to teach and "promote" base on their r/s with them. If you are someone they dont as fancy as the other one, that means even how capable you are but your progress over there will only be stagnant, not going anywhere. Whereas, the not so capable one (but very 听话) will promote/progress from there even though there is a limit to his/her capabilities.

I thought I need a better pay job with better prospect. 2011, please come faster!

I want!

Car car car car car car car car car car car car car car car car car car!!

Just the usual Sunday night...

July is slowing come to an end. Soon, my birthday will be approaching and I wonder what can I do for my bday? I cant wait for my long "holiday"; I will be taking leave during my bday week. Happy! :D

I have been comtemplating if I should switch job lately and finally come to a final decision that I really have to go. I just wanna pursue in something that can give me the sense of satisfaction & challenge in whatever I am doing. I reckon my current job is rather stagnant and what makes me make up my mind is bcos of my immediate boss. I understand that she has no sufficient management skills yet and my colleague & I are the 1st batch of subordinates under her care.

I just felt very outcasted & insignificant. We have too many unpleasant disputes already and I am seriously not a "yes man" hence it makes it rather hard to work tgt with her. I just hope after my departure in this company, she will know how to manage the next girl that comes along. I will be super please to give her my feedback towards her managing skills but only when I tender my resignation letter. Being my immediate boss, she is still a woman afterall. Trying to be very objective but still emotional lah. Hard to change, that's y men & women are different.

I just cant bring myself to bootlick her like how my colleague always does. "Oh I need to check with my SUPERIOR", "Dear Superior, just to inform you ........" gosh I super cannot take it man! LOL. Even though everywhere is bound to have such ppl but I still think I wld prefer working alone than in a team. I never like to be in a team or working as a team. That's when all the favoritism comes in. I am someone who cannot stand such bias acts so I doubt I can work in a team.

Lately the accounts that I am handling is rather quiet and I hope that it will continue to be quiet till end of the yr.

Anyway, just last Sunday, I went to do my hair. Initially wanted to to soft rebonding (not those very straight kind; natural) but somehow got convinced to do Spa Rebonding (I didnt even ask what's the diff in result) which has more treatment in it. End up, the result is super straight and I seriously cannot take it. Sigh~ what to do? Blame myself for not being firm on my decision. I spend $250 (include a speedy treatment for the roots) in total but I guess 一分钱，一分货 my hair is indeed very good. No matter how I tie my hair and let it down, there are no obvious lines at all and even there is a slight line, it will be gone after awhile. Guess that's y the kind of $.

Baby Kariel is 9 mths old and she is indeed a joy! Always happy to have her in our place even so that I have to babysit her. She is such a darling, always like to pretend to cry wanting ppl to carry her. 4 more mths and my 2nd niece Kayleigh will be joining our family, cant wait! ^.^

My wisdom tooth is growing out abnormally and it hurts like shit! Got to visit dentist soon, sian. Got to spend $ again. Last year and this year is a super "spend-$-and-see-doc" year.

Till then....

Gain some, lose some.

In life, you always gain some and lose some. It's all about how much you want to lose and often the choice made is not at all easy.

I just wonder at times when I have to come up with a decision, I often cannot be firm with what I really want. I just think too much and this is really a freaking bad habit.

Blame it on the bloody war between the heart and mind. It sucks.

What do I really want in life? Am I happy with what I have now or I'm just resting in my comfort zone refusing to move on?

Last Fri I was rather unhappy with my superior. I just felt so helpless cos she is my immediate boss so she will have all say in who is handling which account. What pissed me off the most is she mentioned about my the other working colleague, that she never question her why is she doing this or that (but I did). I am never a "yes man" lor.

I got very upset with her trying to pull a fuss one, just bcos she is very good at defending or finding good "reasons" to rebuke on me. Siannn.

I need a break! I thought maybe I should look for another better pay job? I was thinking if I should try doing sales or industry sales? I just wanna make more money and I think sales is the only high pay job I can think of now. I'm still thinking...

Should I?

Baby Kariel's growing up!

Looking at her innocent smile melts my heart and brightens up my everyday.

Love her so much, baby Kariel..

Rotting Blog....

It's been months since I last update, maybe there is nothing much for me to update lately.

Life is as usual, nothing fantastic to blog about. Celebrated Serene's 24th not long ago, it was a nice catch up. Hope my life will be more colorful, wonder wad happened....

I'm off for a short break~

Growing up day by day...

Seeing my precious niece growing up healthy day by day really excites me a great deal! She came to my plc ytd and I baby sit her for a few hrs. Wow, she has grown much longer, heavier & more talkative compared to the above pictures. Will try to take her pics when i get to see her again.

Miss her so much! *hugs*

Baby Niece, my darling!

Frustrated

If only life is alot more simpler and beautiful....

Sometimes can't help but to feel that way.

Life and humans are always complex and doubtful.

Just dunno why, I am not happy. Maybe I know why, but I dont wish to know why.

What is what? I hate it. Just why can't mine be much better, not the best but just better.

I am tired of accepting whatever I don't wish to accept.

It just suck!

Thailand - Nov 09

Well spent with my love ones... =)

Anticipating

Been feeling very slpy the whole week.

Looking forward to my Thailand trip next week with my loved ones. It has been a while since we spend time tgt and make time to go for a short holiday trip. Cant wait to be away from my work and cant wait to leave my hometown cos Spore has no more places for me to go.

My niece is coming to a mth this Sunday and I am so excited to see her! I cant wait to hold her in my arms. Must be vert soft and she defnly smells like heaven. Babies are really so tender and cute! She will be the 1st I carry. keke.

Went to John Little sales today and bought myself an exfoliating body scrub (oatmeal & shea butter), wonder if the result will be good.

I haven been blogging lately, very lazy indeed. Everyday has been facing the damn bloody computer, didnt feel like doing the same at home. I would prefer to have some private time alone doing other stuffs.

I really feel that life is ever changing, the different stages of life brings different lifestyles. I was in deep thoughts about how the hell my life change drastically esp this year. Life without much partying, drinking or nightlife is boring in a way but I do feel reluctant to go out most of the time. It could be myself being very lazy or maybe I had enough of these nightlife. I have been staying at home on weekends pretty much often.

Unless I need to get something, otherwise I will be lazing at home and catch nice shows or even naps. That explains why I am so looking forward to travel cos I really hope I can explore other places and that gives me a new experience.

Christmas is approaching soon and I have yet to make any plans for that. I reckon nothing much to do or nice places to go. I saw the decorations at Orchard area, fantastic!

Work has been rather stagnant, except for my boss's change of habits. He practically smokes inside our little office and choke us with those stinky ciggarette smell. Imagine, air-con area (a small area though) is all filled with the ciggies smell. It reminds me of those time when I worked in Dungeon. Suffocated, disturbing and extremely smelly. It's the after-smell that I hate.

My immediate boss is doing my appraisal for this year and this is the 1st appraisal I have. Wonder how is my performance over here and what is her advice on my work performance??

I heard we will all be taking our AWS by Dec. Hooray~ What should I do with the $$? tsk tsk~

Gonna try out my body scrub....till then!

Life is Fragile

All of us went to visit my uncle with a heavy heart...

I just saw him 2 weeks ago, healthy and jovial as usual but the last I heard of him, he was hospitalized. He was rushed to the hospital, in ICU.

We are all so worried about him, tears filled all our eyes. Why him? He is still unconscious.

I pray hard for you to regain consciousness and please be strong, dont ever give up!

We will wait for you to recover and be ur usual self once again.

May God's prayers wake u up and quickly come back to us soon.

Miss u....

Unpredictable me

Lately, I havent been feeling in the right state of mood. My mind is not functioning properly too. Sigh~

I wonder wad is wrong with myself. I just feel lethargic and practically no interest in all the things ard me. Maybe I am no good at handling trivial matters at work, I just cannot draw the clear thin line between rational, objective and emotions.

I just lost the drive I have all these months. Sometimes, I really do feel unpredictable about myself and the mood I have inside me. Sometimes, I just feel so suffocated by my surroundings. I cant "breathe" and I just cant handle my emotions. I wonder why cant I hold the emotions within myself?

I guess I have been reading way too much in ppl's thoughts or words, leading to negative thoughts and actions. In split seconds, my mood just switched completely. Sigh.

Am I sick or what? Why do I feel so cranky most of the times?

What can I do to ease all this unnecessary tension sitting inside me?

Weekend Rendezvous' at Sentosa Underwater World

It's been many yrs since I last went to Sentosa Underwater World. It's great! Though it's kind of crowded as it is a PH, I still enjoy myself very much.

I seldom go out on a Sat noon, will usually laze at home.

Really appreciate him for keeping me accompany on a Sat noon like this. It's been a while since I get to go out like this. :)

Weekend well spent!